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Quintus Flaccus

It’s pretty late and the whole ruling council of Capua is hopped up on hummingbird tongues when one of them leans over to Quintus Flaccus, hiccupping.

“Wanna know,” he giggles, “a secret?”

“Yes,” says Quintus Flaccus.

“ROME SUCKS!” whoops the councillor. The other senior men shriek and toast him.

Quintus Flaccus nods thoughtfully. The next morning he has them all beheaded, which given their hummingbird-tongue hangovers is a relief all around. Then he enslaves the rest of the city.

“This blows,” the Capuans point out.

“Blowjobs,” Quintus Flaccus declaims, “are the price of disloyalty!”

Nobody ever writes that down though.