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Captain Spaceship

They’ve just finished a new, non-burning clone of Commander Beard when the ship begins whooping with red alerts.

“State the nature of this emergency!” snaps Captain Spaceship, hand on his laser.

“Status quo field’s down, Captain,” crackles Lieutenant Ethnic over the comm.

“Are you saying things on ship could change?”

“In some cases,” says the Lieutenant grimly, “they might change and not change back.

“Shit!” ├é┬áCaptain Spaceship grips his laser a little too hard and accidentally slices off most of the new Commander. “Whoops! Shit! Get it back online, shit!”

So they fix it with technology and everything is fine again.

Captain Spaceship

“We canna do it, Cap’n!” slurs Lieutenant Rascal (junior grade). “If we leverage any harder, we’ll be unable to capitalize on foregoing objective strategies while remaining mobile in the new marketscape!”

“I need that in English, dammit,” says Captain Spaceship.

“We’re running out of shareholder value and we dinna why!” Rascal’s desperately sweaty on the viewscreen. Behind him, shirtless sublieutenants shovel wads of green paper into the roaring engine.

“Dammit!” says Captain Spaceship. “You’ve got to reduce costs!”

“Aye-aye,” says Rascal. Some of the sublieutenants have already begun whanging other sublieutenants over the head and heaving them into the fire.

Captain Spaceship

“I demand tea!” Captain Spaceship yells at the computer.

“Actually, Captain, it can’t really interpret voice commands,” says Lieutenant Ethnic politely. “It could, perhaps, but true artificial intelligence and complete servitude are mutually incompati–”

“Enough!” says Captain Spaceship. “What were we doing?”

“We were getting boarded by hostile forces, sir.”

The door opens with a specially recorded hiss. Captain Spaceship spins and fires a raygun hole through Commander Beard, who topples gently, the requested teacup still in his hand.

“That should have been an ensign!” roars Captain Spaceship.

“They abolished the rank of ensign,” sighs Lieutenant Ethnic. “We both know why.”