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Jason lol what

Jason completed the quiz “Which Disney Villain Are You?” with the result Ursula!
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Hector completed the quiz “Which Mind-Sundering Forbidden Knowledge Are You?” with the result Secrets of Iighilló!
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August completed the quiz “Why, Why Why Why” with the result All Flesh is Dust!
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Tom completed the quiz “Must Any Attempt At Self-Aggrandizement In This World Seem Like Howling Into A Pitiless Void?” with the result Despair!
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“Please hold your applause until the last student has crossed,” says the dean in his careful accent. “Hector Alvarez!”

Hector steps double-time to the oomp oomp of the brass, grips firmly, and exits the stage with a diploma and a hushed audience. So too do his classmates, until it comes to Diego–whose cousin can’t strangle a whoop of proud glee.

After that each family dares a little more, and before the dean presents the class, the place is a roaring, stomping tide.

“Hey,” says his awkward dad, outside. “Sorry we didn’t–”

“I totally understand,” says Hector, who totally understands.



“Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
if you can boun

Dear Amelia,

I was going to start this thing off with some crappy poetry quote, but let’s face it, you deserve better than that. You deserve better than anything you ever got from my stupid roommate


Here it is: I couldn’t stand it when you were always here with him, but it turns out it’s worse when you’re not. I miss you. Can I call?

Yours, Hecto




“Agnes is going to the library to pretend to study,” Agnes tells her phone. It processes this, and then, as she’s walking through the RFID sentinels, purrs something new from the feed.

“No phones, please,” says the librarian in the wheelchair, like Agnes needs the extra guilt. She covertly wakes it again (muted) once she’s around the corner.

Hector is in the library, her phone says, because there’s too much drama in his room.

Agnes peeks down through the lightwell to confirm this. “Oh no, phone!” she whispers. “That means Jason–”

Amelia and Jason ended their relationship, it hiccups.

“:(,” Agnes sighs.


Chastity is Hector’s partner in Bad Relationships 110, which isn’t their assigned disagreement, thank goodness. Instead they get jealousy, and scream for three hours weekly before tackling each other for angry sex. Chastity gets an A and ice cream; Hector gets a C.

Next semester it’s Slacking and Associative Guilt. In the winter he passes Binge Drinking with an A and a mop, but it’s exhausting.

“Nostalgia Prep and Poli Sci this term!” he moans at dinner their first night back. “And Random Hookups has a lab–”

“Wait,” says Ayane, “Poli Sci?”

“Does that even count toward your major?” asks Kai.


“Are you okay?”

Kai and Ayane are waiting by the door, concerned. Kai pretty clearly has to go: she’s trying to not to hop from foot to foot. “Yeah!” says Jason, muffled. “Sorry, just a minute!”

“What else can you say to that?” mutters Chyler over a euchre hand.

Agnes cracks a grin, and Hector cracks up. It’s lost on Chyler.

“Like you can just go ‘No, actually,'” she says, in a Jasonesque baritone. “‘Having some difficulty. Think you could come on in and help?'”

Hector’s off his chair, and Agnes covers her eyes. Chyler barely notices. Her hand really sucks.


“Eighteen days,” says August firmly. “To the minute.”

“Lord, honey, a year,” drawls Willie. “Or better yet, don’t.”

“Ooh, the same thing happened with me!” exclaims Laura. “And then that Friday, Ben… um, went into a coma.”

“A fortnight!” says Jason happily. “Actually I just wanted to say ‘fortnight.'”

“I don’t know,” says Hector, “A couple days?”

“Two weeks,” says Ayane. “Four weeks. No, two weeks.”

“It’s cool,” says Diego sagely. “Seriously, babe, I don’t mind. What was the question?”

“Five days,” says Agnes.

“A month,” says Tom.

“Just ask him, Chyler,” groans Emily, “honestly, can we talk about something else?”